3am thoughts

As I look back on my old photos which were taken last year, I can't help but feel a little depressed. Okay, but not just a little but really depressed...


Looking back at 2013, it was a pretty good year for me. My body was being pretty nice to me and my joint inflammation problem didn't appear as much as it did now, and thanks to that, I was able to gym regularly to sculpt a body that I so desire.

I WAS HAPPY. I was happy that I was gaining weight, I was happy that I was starting to look better with a better body. However, few months towards the end of 2013, the joint inflammation thingy I had started acting up again and I couldn't gym due to the pain I get whenever I move certain parts of my body. Worst of all, the inflammation doesn't stays on one part of my body but ALWAYS changes. One day, it could be affecting my shoulders, the next, it could affects my fingers, hands, knees, legs, neck, elbow and more. 

I was suffering. But I still wanted to persevere and have the body I so desire. To the extend I started taking pain killers and glucosamine chondroitin EVERYTIME I'm about to head to the gym. 

It's till towards the October period where I knew my body couldn't take the stress no more (miserable internships which made me depressed, stress over other work and the teens mag competition, family problems and now the joint inflammation problem? No! It was a sign for me to take it easy and rest as I realize that I've been falling sick almost every single week)

Frankly, when I started being reluctant to head to the gym every morning before work due to the consistent pain. I was rather happy because it would allow me more time to rest and have a decent sleep. However, as time passes by, I realized that I've been gradually losing weight despite me sticking to the same diet I had when I was heading to the gym. 

I wasn't really bothered till recently, when I look back... I realize I'm starting to look ugly (beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and in my eyes, i find myself ugly). Not that my expectations are really high la but I believe that everyone have realistic expectations and goals in their life and one of my goal is to actually have a decent lean fit body, not those muscular body builder body ... But sadly, I had to be born with this problem. 

from time to time, I'm really envious of my other friends who have been hitting the gym often and having a really nice body shape. Trust me, when I look at their photos on Instagram. I'll be like " DAMN!!! Why can't I have a body like that. Why can't I have a better body. Why can't I have a fully healthy and functional body and do the things that others are doing! "

And from there, my confidence gradually declined. What exists now is a Tyler who pretends to be happy with how he looks like now but deep down, I know I'm not happy. I'm not confident and probably never will be anytime soon. 

Now, I'm currently thinking of the alternate methods in which I can do to make myself look better. Maybe plastic surgery? To improve my looks etc. or even going through the painkillers process and start gymming again in order to achieve what I want.

Honestly, I'm not really sure. But I guess I'll just see how things goes as time passes. One thing I'm very sure though, when there's something I want, I'll do anything I can to achieve it (but definitely not underhanded means). 

Maybe you're wondering why I'm being superficial now. Before you even start judging me, I've to clarify - I am only superficial towards myself; in the sense that I WANT to make myself look good regardless of how much hard work it takes. I've high expectations of how I look. I don't judge others, but only me. Like what they say.. You are your own worst enemy. Maybe this sounds weird,  okay maybe I'm just weird lol...

--x-

Gah, it's 3am in the morning. I've no idea why I'm actually blogging at this hour.  Not sure if whatever I said is making any sense though LOL

Guess I'll just turn in for a night and hope that things will eventually go my way. (And hopefully be 100% healthy which I know is impossible hahaha).

NIGHTS. X


3 comments:

  1. Well, you don't have to push your body to its limit. Sometimes you have to slow down a little bit and give your body a rest. After you've recovered that's when you can go back doing gym again. You don't have to worry about your looks that much, because the truth is you're already handsome. It'll just hurt you more when you're pushing yourself too much.
    From a fan of yours :)

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  2. Your perfect the way you are and we love you for that. Be strong <3

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