I'M NOT HAPPY

I really need to let everything that's inside of me out tonight.

I can't do this anymore. I can't keep up with this happy facade when deep down I'm feeling so ever shitty and crappy.

I've thought about writing this in the longest time ever but I've been trying to bottle everything up inside of me but it's tearing me from the insides and the tears can't stop flowing.

Today, you're gonna learn more about my personal life. The vulnerable side of me.

(This pic is not an actual convo of mine. It belongs to someone I know and I'm using it cause I can really relate to it) 

Truth is, I've very little friends. Friends who I can call my true friends, friends who've been there for me when I need them. From as far as I can remember, I've always tried to be there for those who needs me when they're feeling down and upset, but when it's my turn, they all seem to disappear.

Maybe humans are born to be self-centered. But can't they show a little more empathy towards those who deserve it? Why am I seeing the evilest of people gaining the most love and attention from those around them; friends,lovers and more?

True, I do have someone who's there for me, my bff (jessica). But fact is, she's attached, she has her own group of friends, she has work and I can't possibly rely on her from time and time again even if she wants me to.

P/S: Yes my parents will always be there for me but do understand that as hawkers, they're stressed over their daily work issues and I don't want to bother them any further with my problems when they're home after a hard day of work 

Friends whom I've known for months to years, those who I've learnt to love and trust. Broke every single ounce of trust and respect I've had for them when I found out that that person has betrayed me just to help someone new in their life.

Friends whom I thought I could rely on whenever I'm feeling down, were all gone. They didn't reply my texts, they didn't answer my calls, they completely forget about our meetups..

Then there are the friends who only look for you when they need help. There's also the other group of people who're only trying to befriend you just to gain exposure, connection etc.

WHAT AM I TO YOU PEOPLE

Have I ever done such heinous deeds that I deserve to endure all this bullshit? Seriously.

And I've yet to touch on the love aspect of my life.

This has been a while now but I've been having a big crush on someone who I got to know, who's not from Singapore.. - deleted -

- paragraph deleted - 

Like what I've mentioned last year, maybe life is just like a series of roller coaster which goes up and down... up and down. Apparently I've been at my lowest for the longest time ever. I know that I'll be stronger and better after all this but I do know one thing - I'll definitely be colder (something that my BFF pinpointed)

Perhaps being colder or being gaurded is a good thing. It'll help to prevent you any harm and make sure you're more careful of who you can trust or who you love.

So just an advice to all those who're reading my blog. Don't let anyone into your life easily unless they're willing to prove that they're willing to stay. If they really do, then love them like you've never loved before, make sure you're loving the right person but also make sure that the person is worthy of your trust and love. (this sentence applies to both bgr/friendship/etc).




I'm feeling so much better after typing all this out. Sigh, It's also one of those rare entries where you guys get to know more about me "upclose". Actually... I'm not sure if you guys understood what I've written but I hope you'll learn something from today's post.

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9 comments:

  1. Stay strong. you'll get through this :)

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  2. move on and find real happiness tyler. its always good to keep guarded. i keep getting hurt again and again as well, like you, i know how sucky this feeling is. cheer up okay, things will get better.

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  3. Have faith! In life, there are always some people you're gg to lose in order to find yourself. For people come into our lives for a reason, stay for a season but only a handful for a lifetime. You will always have the Ngs to lean on when u got hurt outside. They will always take time to listen to u even thou they jin busy luh. if not, u can always text me too. love u k! big hugs dear!!

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  4. It's indeed tough to find a REAL friend and the sucky feeling is definitely a horrible one. However, keep the faith and stay strong. I believe everything happen for a reason and you will emerge even stronger.

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  5. lol you're dramatic and you have to "quote" , Till I found out through a close mutual friend (who's good looking) lol look at how superficial you are .___. maybe you deserve this for being fake and think that you're oh so cute now and popular.

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  6. I understand this whole post, ive been through this too. It isnt fun. I have major trust issues becuase of all the lies from the people I throught were my "friends" I would like to be your friend. but i hope that you soon feel better and you can just find those few people or lover you can trust. ^-^ Best wishes

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  7. I understand this whole post, ive been through this too. It isnt fun. I have major trust issues becuase of all the lies from the people I throught were my "friends" I would like to be your friend. but i hope that you soon feel better and you can just find those few people or lover you can trust. ^-^ Best wishes

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  8. Hey Tyler. I've been following you ever since you started to share about your personal life on the web. Now I'm here to tell you my story to let YOU KNOW that your life ain't that bad after all.

    I'm a Malaysian. I am currently residing in Singapore and I am studying right now. I came to Singapore with my sister when I was 8, ALONE. I didn't had any friends whom I can call a friend. Because I was from another world, they made fun of me saying, "YOU ARE AN ALIEN./GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY/GET OUT OF SINGAPORE". They said this in my face, and laughed. I was just 9 when I went to primary school. There was no one I could turn to or trust. I was so afraid of letting people see me cry because they will take that side of me, and use it against me. So for the rest of my P3 year, I acted all tough, tomboyish and badass. I'd be like "AS IF YOUR WORDS CAN HURT ME/I HAVE A LIFE TO LIVE". It was not till P4, when I had the worst time of my life. I made a friend. Let's call her Cindy. I was wary of her because I was scared that she might be the same as the other suckers at school. But after some time, I learn to let her see the vulnerable side of me. I let her get in. One day, I saw a post about me on FB. Someone at school was spreading personal stuffs of mine that only she and I knew. When I confronted her the next day, she just scoffed and say "Who ask you to believe that I was different?"

    You see from this path I have 2 ways to go, be wary of EVERYONE OR prove that you are worth it. PROVE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE TO THEIR LIVES THEREFORE THEY WILL NOT HURT YOU. You are a good friend, I can see Tyler. I spent years after this setback to bring myself up. Even though I was just 9/10. Even though what Cindy did was just primary school immature actions, but it still serves as a painful reminder that I have to work hard to prove to others that I DESERVE TO BE TREATED PROPERLY. Don't give up on people who truly cares for you. Hang in there. Even though we are not friends, I treat you as one and sincerely hope I can be there to hear your troubles. Hang in there okay?

    God bless you, Celia

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